Cogito ergo sum
I think, therefore I am
Sometimes you wonder if you are crazy. Because moments like this, you really feel like you are. Watching him, wishing, waiting... Hopeless. And yet here you are, still watching, still wishing, still waiting. But don't they say that by questioning sanity you're assured of it? If only it was true.
Saepe creat molles aspera spina rosas
Often the prickly thorn produces tender roses
This has always been what your lives were like. You allude. He eludes. You ask. He evades. You advance. He escapes. So it's always been and so it will always be. Every moment of it hurts. Still you can't stop, because every glance makes you want him all the more.
De gustibus non est disputandum
In matters of taste, there can be no disputes
The problem is you love him. The kind of love that burns and makes you do stupid things to try and catch his eye. You don't know why. You hate how he treats himself, how he drives himself, how he forgets what's important. Yet you love him. Sense be damned.
Nemo est sine culpa
No one is without fault
Not that you're a perfect. Maybe what you hate in him you hate because it's there in you too. Deep down, under the surface, pushing you to be better, achieve more, reach further. Except you expect him to be better than it, to climb free. Hypocrisy was always your strength.
Qui nimium probat, nihil probat
One who proves too much, proves nothing
Despite it all you're out there, each and every day, trying to make him see. To win him free from his pains, even as you flee your own. Problem is he calls you on it. Who are you to lecture him when you're no better, when his faults are yours?
Familiarity breeds contempt
He sees right through you, maybe he always could. Sees all his own flaws glaring back at him through your eyes, and doesn't want to face them. Hate of himself becoming hate of you. Because it's much easier to hate what you understand than anyone is ever willing to admit.
Aut vincere aut mori
Either to conquer or to die
Overcoming the understanding is the hardest part. But for this you aren't going to back down, aren't going to submit. Too much is riding on victory. It's do or die. Break free or be broken down. Win his heart or lose your own. And you aren't keen on the latter.
Luctor et emergo
I struggle and emerge
So you refuse to let it go. A dog with a bone, gnawing at it every free moment until you get to the core and the sweet marrow within. Keep the prize always in sight. And you almost break down when you finally win a private moment and perfect smile.
Cum grano sulis
With a grain of salt
Not that the smile is for you. No, it's a cast off, table scraps, but never have they been more filling. They aren't a real goal, you know that, but it doesn't make them any less sweet. But he's less careful now, less guarded, and doesn't that justify it all?
Non semper erit aestas
It will not always be summer
It doesn't last. Another day, a mistimed word, a poorly thought out joke, and suddenly it's all gone. The progress you had made shattered so fast that you're pretty sure you've got whiplash. How could something so precious broken so easily. Had there even been the point to your trying?
Dum vita est spes est
While there is life, there is hope
Yes. Absolutely and undeniably yes. Because for all that it hurts now, there had been something to break. For a brief, shining moment you'd meant something. Sure, you'd fucked it up, but to fuck it up there had to be something, right? What was made once could be reforged anew.
A slip of the tongue
More time, happily given. For each two steps you took last time, you take a half of one now. Slow, steady, hopeful. To win him will take patience, and you've got an abundance of that for him. And, caught up in a moment, you say something you can't call back.
Veritas vos liberabit
The truth will set you free
He stares, silent, shocked. In denial. And you realize it's now or it's never. There is no second chance. No spinning this into a joke and hoping he forgets. So you take his hands in yours and repeat it, willing him with everything you are to accept what you're offering.
Ubi dubium ibi libertas
Where there is doubt, there is freedom
There's a moment, the length of three heartbeats, where you know nothing. A time while his brain is processing all of this and your heart is in your throat. You can only do so much with that time. Wait and be accepted. Stay and be rejected. Flee and never know.
Ex nihilo nihil fit
Nothing comes from nothing
Odd, how you don't feel anything when he speaks. You'd always imagined that it would hurt. That you'd shatter before him, body as broken as your heart. Yet here you are, silent, still. It's surprisingly easy to smile, thank him for his time, and walk away. To not look back.
Ne humanus crede
Trust no human
You let no one close. Lock yourself in your room, shut down your computer, and refuse to be a part of the world. Because you were wrong, it hurts. People hurt you, no matter how hard you try. Better to be here, alone. The other choice is being hurt again.
Fortuna caece est
Fortune is blind
It takes months, but you pick up the pieces. Tape them back together and place them in a little safe in your heart. Refuse to think of them for fear that they will only break further. Might have worked too if your timing had been better. Or was it worse?
Inter arma silent leges
In times of war, laws are silent
She's pretty. She's polite. She's everything you never were and never could be. You want to ruin her. To tear her to pieces for touching what was yours. Except he'd never been yours, never would be. That doesn't mean you don't want revenge. Want her to suffer for her love.
By teaching we learn
The problem is, always has been, that you love him, and you can't stop just because he isn't yours. You can see how he loves her, know what it is to have that love rejected. The only thing you've ever wanted is him happy. Even if it is without you.
Floreat regina regina
May it flourish
In your heart you wish him well, pray that everything he desires comes to him. When you see them around you hide so he doesn't have to remember you. For them to succeed you need to stay out of the picture. Because you still feel bitter and might hurt him.
Ars longa, vita brevis
Art is long, life is short
In the end you can't take it. There is too much pain watching them, dancing around them and pretending you don't exist. The first chance you're given you escape, flee for your life and your sanity and your heart. Try to move on somewhere that doesn't remind you of him.
Bis vivit qui bene vivit
He lives twice who lives well
Your new life is different, is nice. A new place, free of memories, free of pain. It's better, and for a time life is easy. A new love, though never as strong, comes to you, and you are content. Life is what you make it, and you make something bearable.
Omnes una manut nox
The same night awaits us all
Eventually you're forced to return. You've got friends, people who qualify for family status. One calls late at night, begs you to return. A wedding, and you've got no choice but to attend. Refusal isn't an option. Problem was you didn't know he was going to be there as well.
Veni vidi vici
I came, I saw, I conquered
You don't know whether to curse your friend or bless them. You arrive, you linger around the edges, and when you finally take your seat at the reception, you find yourself beside him. Time has done him justice. His smile still warms your heart. But seeing him reopens old wounds.
Necessitas non habet legem
Necessity has no law
The whole night you dance around each other. Polite conversation that leads no where. You ask after her, and is shocked that you knew. You ask how you couldn't have. He has no response. When he reaches for his drink you flee. You hide in a corner with your pain.
Serva me, servabo te
Save me and I will save you
He finds you far too easy, with a drink in both hands. One ends up down your throat far too fast. The other he nurses while he talks. You listen and quietly cry. When he asks why you can't help but laugh. He pulls you into his arms and apologizes.
Quid pro quo
This for that
It's hard to talk through the pain, but it doesn't matter. He talks enough for you both. Talks about how she'd left him for another man. How he realized he missed you after you were gone. That he'd thought of you as a friend despite how he had treated you.
Melius tarde quam nunquam
Better late than never
About how scared he'd been when you'd told him. How he wasn't ready for a friend to be so much more. How he hadn't been sure what to feel. How when he'd kissed her, he'd wondered how your lips would feel, your body pressed against tightly up against his own.
Amor omnia vincit
Love conquers all
All you can do is stare at him, unable to process it at all. Was he only trying to comfort you? Did he really think empty lies... Except his lips are there, pressed against yours, and unlike you he doesn't taste of booze. And his kiss is eager, so eager.
E pluribus unum
Out of many, one
When he lets you go your fingers go to your lips, as if to touch them and prove this was fake. He smiles and kisses you again, pressing against your fingers and lips. Asks if everything else was worth it for this. Your answer comes out as a whisper.